Psalm 28:8

Sorry for the extended hiatus. 

I recorded this without the usual intro because I could not pretend I was fine. Sometimes the most honest faith sounds like a quiet room, a song playing in the background, and a voice admitting, “I feel far from God right now.” If you’ve ever felt pressure to be polished, spiritual, or put-together, this is a permission slip to come back to what matters most: closeness.  

A worship track stirred something in me, and I followed that thread into a journal entry that turns into a prayer. I sit with Psalm 28:7, not as a feel-good slogan, but as a destination I want to reach again. We talk about what it’s like when joy feels out of reach, when your “songs” feel unheard, and when fear makes you question whether love will still be there tomorrow.  

The turning point is learning to spot transactional thinking: the belief that love must be earned, repaid, or maintained through performance. I explore why trying to control the future can steal the love available right now, and how trust can be true even when feelings lag behind. If you’re searching for Christian encouragement, honest prayer, worship-inspired reflection, and a simpler relationship with God, press play. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review with the line that hit you the hardest.

Transcript

Skipping The Polish For Realness

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi. Normally there's an intro music and whatnot. But um I don't know. Sometimes simpler is better. And the thought of putting all that stuff just felt really fake to me today. I think sometimes we get so caught up in giving off a certain air or making everything seem a certain way that we we forget the simplest part. Just closeness. Relationship with God. Not a perfect relationship because none of us are perfect, but you know, something is better than nothing as long as we're moving and making progress, you know.

Worship Music That Sparks Courage

SPEAKER_00 0:50

I haven't really made a podcast episode in a while. And I don't know. I was listening to a um to a song today. Uh it was called The Author by Brandon Lake. Um, and it was nice, but something about it just made me crave like worship music in a while in a way that I haven't in a while. And um so I just searched up like, you know, new worship music or whatever, and this song started playing, and it's still kind of playing right now because otherwise I would not have had the nerve to record this. Um and it's called Close to You by Zach Webb. And I realized that's that's like the base of it all, you know, a closeness, a relationship with God that gets so convoluted and you know corrupted almost by this desire to be overproduced and you know, too much of something and and not enough of you know what actually matters.

A Journal Entry Turned Prayer

SPEAKER_00 2:04

Anyway, I just want to share something that I wrote. Um I was more of a journal, but kind of felt like maybe I could speak to people who felt similar. So I apologize for the point of view because it was written as if I was writing to God slash myself. The verse for today is the Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

When Praise Feels Out Of Reach

SPEAKER_00 2:36

In all honesty, I don't feel like this is true for me at this moment. My heart doesn't leap for joy, and my songs feel as if they fall on deaf ears. Not from lack of you listening or awaiting my song, but because you can't hear me. I am so far from you at the moment that it seems impossible for you to hear me. This verse feels powerful. A light in the dark. It's not where I am, but where I could be. It's not how I feel, but how I could. It isn't my current place, but a destination that awaits me. It's not a condemnation that I am not enough, but an invitation to be loved. I feel exposed and raw. I feel hurt and hopeless. I feel scared to dream or to believe in a God or someone who could love me. Yet in these words, I see potential. Not mine, but the potential that exists in you.

Letting Go Of Transactional Love

SPEAKER_00 3:44

I don't have to hold your attention or maintain your interest. You've decided you love me, and that is the hardest part for me. Because sadly, I cannot love without a transaction, or rather, I cannot be loved without transaction. How can you love me without getting anything in return? I want my heart to leap for joy at the mere thought of you or mention of your name. I want to sit in your presence. I want to believe that you're here for me, but I get so stuck on the fact that you shouldn't be, so scared that you won't be. Why do I worry? Why do I fear what is not in my control? I cannot decide whether you love me, whether I am loved or I'm not. The fear that I might not be loved in the future robs me of the love that I could experience in this moment. I cannot and will never be able to control you. It is frightening, but at the same time freeing, because I would have chosen to stop loving me years ago.

Choosing Trust When Feelings Lag

SPEAKER_00 4:55

So, whether I feel it or want it or not, the Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart trusts him even when my mind cannot. He helps me whether I feel worthy or not. My heart leaps for joy when I am in your presence. With my songs, I will praise you because you are worthy of praise, not because I am worthy to praise you.